A Sort Of Magic

A Sort of Magic

There’s a sort of magic that we know,

When the world about is washed with snow.

Of a Babe whose mother wipes His tears,

The luster of the heart throughout the years.

In a manger filled with golden hay,

Did the Babe the Christ-child come to lay.

Where His mother who had held Him tight,

Placed her Son to rest all through the night.

In the fields about the shepherds heard,

Angels singing out the glorious word.

Alleluia! To the newborn Boy!

Alleluia! He will bring us joy!

Glory to God, in the highest!

Glory to God, in the highest!

And on earth be peace to all mankind!

Glory to God, in the highest!

Glory to God, in the highest!

And on earth be peace to all mankind!

-Timothy Coral Mair

40 Days Of Rain

40 days of rain and nothing stops the pain.
Try to hold a candle lit within the strain.
6 am on Monday morning alarms ring out with no warning,
The church bells ring the news, their song of mourning.

People see my smile they think that I'm glad.
Loneliness I guess aint all that bad.
Eyes wide open crying at the brink of night.
Eyes still open crying at the morning light.

40 days of winter see how the year do splinter.
There is not a leaf to see among the frozen timber
6 pm and full night shining hard to see a silver lining,
For cloudless days again you know I'm pining.

People see my smile they say it's not so bad,
Loneliness I guess can sometimes make you glad
Eyes wide open crying at the brink of night.
Eyes still open crying at the morning light

Mental Illness and my spirit

Today I'm collecting links about mental illness from members of the LDS General Authorities as well as others.

Maybe they will help someone else.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media-library/video/mental-health?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2005/10/myths-about-mental-illness?lang=eng


Geaorge Albert Smith had several years of a breakdown and though he pulled through struggled with his illness throughout his time as an apostle and prophet.  at the time much was thought of as a nervous breakdown of the body alone which is both partially correct and lacking of the wisdom of modern day medicine and psychology. 

https://beginning-depression.blogspot.com/2013/11/cheat-asylum-of-victim-georege-albert.html

https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=&httpsredir=1&article=1056&context=mormonhistory

https://bycommonconsent.com/2012/01/04/mental-illness-and-george-albert-smith/


What does any of this mean?  Each case is individual.  A blessing or reading the scriptures or even prayer alone can not CURE these disorders.  Some will gain a tense and sometimes effective mastery of their outward symptoms.  Many will receive great helps from medications and/or counseling.

I personally have tried much.  I once believed that I merely needed a blessing.  I begged of a former priesthood leader to believe me that my faith would be all I needed to make me whole.  He wisely counseled me that while faith would help to hold pieces together when I could not they would not cure me.  That the scars of my illness would leave me likely impaired in some ways for years or possibly my life.  It was not faithlessness to consult a physician and counseling.  That he despite his goodness and merciful nature was not qualified to counsel me in matters of the brain that was so clearly not working correctly.

I had many spiritual experiences of my own after this.  I continue to. One, indicated to me that I would always need to stay on medication for the rest of my life and that it would only help to a small degree, but came with several promises.  The first was that I could look to the resurrection for a true CURE.  Secondly, that I would be given discernment to know what I could handle and what I could not on a day to day basis.  third that I would still be challenged by life like others are and I would have that same discernment to know where to put my limited ability to focus.

I struggle, daily.  It hurts. I'm am climbing back out of an extremely severe depression today that came upon me slowly over the course of 2018 and 2019.  My contributions (of time and effort) to the church are limited severely often.  Usually when I give of myself, I give more than I have.  During those struggling years I made a big deal to try to uplift our ward with a Christmas program in December of 2018.  I was never able to fully recover from that and it contributed to my decline through 2019.  I think Church takes the most out of me because it is the most important short of my family.

But I move on.  I had a medication change when things hit their worst and it has been a great blessing.  It doesn't completely solve the stress of my promptings to get a job since the kids didn't need me at home as much, or the prospect of becoming a grandparent or the loss I felt when my daughter in-law miscarried this past September.  But I have listened.  I have tried one job in Draper and found it to be difficult to make the commute.  I am now working at a local fast food restaurant that is more flexible in schedule and much closer to home.  I was led to these changes but at the moment find they take all of my strength.  I ease some of that burden by singing with a choir full of friends in Salt Lake.  I feel at home there but it also comes with it's emotional burdens of learning the music.  thankfully the only one who I am in charge of is me there.  It's my job to worry about my part and make it fit with others who learn theirs on their own.  So despite it's stresses I can gain more from singing there than most other places at the moment and certainly more than the stress it brings.

Still people look at me and tell me I simply am letting others down or should just cheer up.  The more those who do speak this way try to include me the more I have to keep my distance.  They don't know the added pain they cause and telling them directly would hurt me even more to do so.