I haven't posted in a very long time. For the most part I've been doing better. I had some rough times when my wife lost her job but with the help of good friends and family we both came through that. I made it through the very busy holiday performing season "relatively" stress free, or so I thought.
Some of you may know that last year after December I had to go into Physical therapy for tendonitis in my left shoulder. The only thing we could pin it on was all of the extra hours holding my choir folder, combined with the fact that I like to sleep on my arm. I've always slept on both of my arms so it had to be the combination of the two that caused it.
It's December 31st and once again I find myself with the same shoulder pain and I didn't think I had performed nearly as much this year so I started thinking about how it could feel worse so much quicker this year. I realized why in almost an instant. It's part of why it started hurting last year too when it never had before.
Anxiety.
Not a direct result but an indirect issue. I don't speak up for myself. I move to accommodate others in pretty much all aspects of my life and I try to stand in the background as much as possible. These two problems put me in my current predicament.
Firstly, I prefer standing on the back row whenever possible. Though not among the tallest in the choir I'm tall enough that when we are standing on risers I can see the director well through my window. This alone isn't a problem but it means that my folder sometimes must sit a little higher to accommodate the others singers.
There-in lies the second problem. Really there would be more room for me to hold my folder if I wasn't afraid to ask people for one small courtesy. It's generally good choral riser etiquette for the front rows to stand close to the front of the riser giving more space for the back rows. often though as people we push back toward where we stop. It's like in Feng shui, you shouldn't have the head of your bed on the same wall as a door or window. It's nature that makes us protect ourselves. Having your back to the wall (or your leg against the riser behind you) is just instinct. Usually all it takes is for someone to ASK the front rows to move to the optimal location on the riser. just a baby-step forward. But I can't do that. And the taller men on either side of me have fewer problems, so I adjust myself. I stand with my legs pushing against the back of the riser, rather painfully I might add. I also tweek my shoulder so that I can have my music in a position so as not to interfere with anyone in front of me but so that I can still see. As I try to imitate that posture now I can see why my shoulder hurts even without a folder in my hand.
It seems rather silly. Such a simple thing as speaking up and asking for help would solve my problem. I'm still a work in progress, as we all are. I don't know if realizing this will make me speak up yet but I'm closer. I'll get through this. too. Luckily I've already done physical therapy once and I believe I can repeat what I did last year on my own to get through it. If not I'll go in a get help, but since I don't like being touched I'd like to try on my own first.
Anxiety hurts in the mind but it really can hurt the body as well.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
The Candle
I was cleaning out a drawer tonight and I found one of my old notebooks that I used to keep in my pocket to write things down in. In it there were lots of little poems and haiku and writing starts. This one jumped out at me for some reason though I don't recall why I wrote it.
The Candle
Completely hidden it
lies beneath the flame of a dying candle,
Still hot to burn,
but no warmth it gives, it’s burden hard to handle.
The smell of smoke
lies close about the room that holds this candle,
But sweet it reeks
and no hint it leaks of a burden hard to handle.
Who’ll take this
thing away from me, this shrunken stub of candle,
I’ll carry it to my
grave I fear and this I cannot handle.
I did not ask to
shine this light that rests here on my candle,
Though others may get
use of it, I wish it had a handle.
Maybe it reminds of of what I feel like when the weight of the world pulls me down and that has been on my mind certainly. The last line seems to turn it around slightly with a bit of humor and pun about handling things but also because it recognizes that maybe the little light is still helping someone else.
I don't know but I like it and despite it's melancholy tone it makes me happy. I'll take that.
Friday, October 18, 2013
The Introvert vs The Extravert.
Most people who know especially those who knew me best when I was younger are surprised by my difficulties with social interaction. It's not just because I love to be on stage but often when in a large group I have grabbed attention with wisecracks and antics.
Since introversion and extraversion are often seen as either one or the other that makes sense. But I'm not sure that it IS one or the other.
Every person has at least some desire to be loved, to fit in, and to relate to other people. It's part of the human experience. We search for much of our lives to find a companion, to have a family and to be a part of something beyond ourselves.
Every person also desires some solitude. Some write. Some listen to music. Some Read the paper. Some sit there and watch sports or a television alone.
Despite my desire to be alone I also always wanted to fit in, I had a strong desire to please, and was worried when I made a mistake in manners. In order to overcome that I formed a personality that tried to grab attention, but I also waited in any situation to see what was acceptable. When eating in a new place I hesitated to eat until I saw what the rules were. In a large group I waited to see how the social structure worked. Each time I altered my behavior to mimic and exaggerate my perception of the group structure. Sometimes I failed and made mistakes and I would have to wait even longer to reintegrate into the group. Sometimes I caught on fast and would get on a roll, often becoming a caricature of the group dynamic itself. But it was always fueled by that innate desire to fit in.
You see it's not the introvert who has trouble with other people. It's the extravert. The older I've gotten the more I realize you can't please everyone, the more that trying to please everyone becomes a struggle. The extravert can't adapt as quickly and more and more I find myself choosing to be alone because I'm afraid of making a social faux pas.
That's why I seemed to feel at home in a choir on stage. I have a clear direction of what I'm supposed to do. I have music to learn and memorize and I have a director to follow. The chance of mistake drops and I have a whole choir of people working on the same goal. I can be the extravert in a choir because I'm only afraid of mistake based on my own abilities to thrive in a musical setting.
I'm still not sure how to relate that to fixing my social issues, but I think part of the solution to my problems is somewhere in that insight.
Since introversion and extraversion are often seen as either one or the other that makes sense. But I'm not sure that it IS one or the other.
Every person has at least some desire to be loved, to fit in, and to relate to other people. It's part of the human experience. We search for much of our lives to find a companion, to have a family and to be a part of something beyond ourselves.
Every person also desires some solitude. Some write. Some listen to music. Some Read the paper. Some sit there and watch sports or a television alone.
Despite my desire to be alone I also always wanted to fit in, I had a strong desire to please, and was worried when I made a mistake in manners. In order to overcome that I formed a personality that tried to grab attention, but I also waited in any situation to see what was acceptable. When eating in a new place I hesitated to eat until I saw what the rules were. In a large group I waited to see how the social structure worked. Each time I altered my behavior to mimic and exaggerate my perception of the group structure. Sometimes I failed and made mistakes and I would have to wait even longer to reintegrate into the group. Sometimes I caught on fast and would get on a roll, often becoming a caricature of the group dynamic itself. But it was always fueled by that innate desire to fit in.
You see it's not the introvert who has trouble with other people. It's the extravert. The older I've gotten the more I realize you can't please everyone, the more that trying to please everyone becomes a struggle. The extravert can't adapt as quickly and more and more I find myself choosing to be alone because I'm afraid of making a social faux pas.
That's why I seemed to feel at home in a choir on stage. I have a clear direction of what I'm supposed to do. I have music to learn and memorize and I have a director to follow. The chance of mistake drops and I have a whole choir of people working on the same goal. I can be the extravert in a choir because I'm only afraid of mistake based on my own abilities to thrive in a musical setting.
I'm still not sure how to relate that to fixing my social issues, but I think part of the solution to my problems is somewhere in that insight.
Monday, October 7, 2013
A weekend of ups and downs.
This past weekend I had the opportunity to watch the semi-annual LDS General Conference. It was an amazing conference and many times I felt as if the speakers were speaking to me. In particular I was deeply moved on Saturday afternoon by Elder Holland's talk on Depression and mental illness.
This weekend was also very difficult for me. Friday was our pay-day and with that comes errands with my wife. It may not sound like a date to most of you but we look forward to the time we spend together planning, budgeting, building our 2 week menus and taking time to walk down the aisles of Costco, The Deseret Industries, Walmart, Winco and other stores. We like to look even down aisles that we don't have anything on our list to get from. We go to lunch. Despite the time with my wife I get very stressed after so much time in public. Much of our time is spent running these errands during the day but some must be put off til the evening or the following morning. This makes me even more stressed because we have to leave the older children in charge and often come home to a mess, or chores left undone, homework not started and rules being broken as children often do when parents are away.
This particular weekend was particularly bad. Despite the uplifting words and the spirit of the conference talks by 5 PM Saturday I was fed up. What seems to hurt the most is when I hear the children push my wife to her limits as well and the anger and frustration in her voice grows and I begin to hear it even from the other room. It hurts when their disobedience makes it so that dinner is delayed to a point that she can't share it with us and has to take it with her to work. I could not handle it anymore. She took her meal packed with her to work and I retired to my room to try to calm myself. When one of the children brought me a plate with food to be helpful I said I wasn't eating and asked him to leave me alone.
I watched the priesthood session alone and at bedtime I went through the house turning off lights leaving one small one on in the kitchen for the children who were still not finished with their tasks. tasks that should have taken an hour or two in the morning. I was afraid to speak to them for fear that I might yell and so I sent my message that it was time to finish quickly and head to bed with a flick of a few light switches.
The next morning did not bring calmness and while my wife slept off a full nights work, as an RN on the night shift must, in our room and the boys watched conference in the living room I streamed it in the office on the computer. Once again I could not bring myself to share the dinner table with my children angry with them for upsetting their mother and afraid of expressing that anger in a harsh manner. Once again I turned off the lights in most of the rooms that evening when it was time for bed but I could not bring myself to speak to my children for fear of losing my temper and yelling. Once again, they were still not finished with their dishes assignments but went to bed soon after my silent message to them.
I reflected on the words spoken in conference. I tried to say that they were just being kids. And they were, but I was still angry.
This morning I woke and with few instructions asked them to begin our morning routine. I turned on the news as become habit since when I was a much younger father I often didn't pay attention to weather reports and had to run a coat to school when my oldest was very young. I took the oldest to school dropping off the 2nd at the bus stop on the way. I had a stern discussion with the oldest who is struggling in a few classes due to procrastination, I was upset and made that point very clear. Many of the issues this weekend had been instigated by him though he wasn't fully to blame but I let him know how angry it made me. I wanted to say more but quieted and let him have the final word as we said goodbye while he carried his gym bag and back pack with him into school. I returned to pick up the two younger children and dropped them off at school making sure they had their lunches with them.
I was still angry and said little to my wife when she got home not wanting to burden her with more, but knowing she would worry anyway. I slept through the morning next to her though and woke up feeling a little more calm and a little more rested. I came to the computer and decided to see if I could watch conference again yet online. I was overjoyed that not only could I watch but I could go right to the talk I wanted to hear. The one that I needed to repeat.
It was the one by Elder Holland. I watched it again a few times. I knew my anger wasn't the children's fault completely and much of it was still part of the emotional turmoil I have been in for so long. I'm still upset with them for their actions recently but I began to let go of some of the heavier emotions. His words reminded me not to give up. It reminded me that some things I can change and some I can't. His words reminded me that even a stalwart man of god such as himself, could know the pain of these feelings as he briefly talked about his own struggles as a young father. It reminded me of the realization I had had this past summer that despite my faith in healing of these emotional wounds, that I had sought the help of learned professionals and his counsel reinforced that I am on the right path.
Here are some quotes in case anyone else needs them.
“Trust in God. Hold on to His love.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Believe in miracles.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Fatigue is the common enemy of us all–-so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
"Whatever your struggle...don’t vote against the preciousness of life by ending it!” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
Here is a link to the talk..
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10
This weekend was also very difficult for me. Friday was our pay-day and with that comes errands with my wife. It may not sound like a date to most of you but we look forward to the time we spend together planning, budgeting, building our 2 week menus and taking time to walk down the aisles of Costco, The Deseret Industries, Walmart, Winco and other stores. We like to look even down aisles that we don't have anything on our list to get from. We go to lunch. Despite the time with my wife I get very stressed after so much time in public. Much of our time is spent running these errands during the day but some must be put off til the evening or the following morning. This makes me even more stressed because we have to leave the older children in charge and often come home to a mess, or chores left undone, homework not started and rules being broken as children often do when parents are away.
This particular weekend was particularly bad. Despite the uplifting words and the spirit of the conference talks by 5 PM Saturday I was fed up. What seems to hurt the most is when I hear the children push my wife to her limits as well and the anger and frustration in her voice grows and I begin to hear it even from the other room. It hurts when their disobedience makes it so that dinner is delayed to a point that she can't share it with us and has to take it with her to work. I could not handle it anymore. She took her meal packed with her to work and I retired to my room to try to calm myself. When one of the children brought me a plate with food to be helpful I said I wasn't eating and asked him to leave me alone.
I watched the priesthood session alone and at bedtime I went through the house turning off lights leaving one small one on in the kitchen for the children who were still not finished with their tasks. tasks that should have taken an hour or two in the morning. I was afraid to speak to them for fear that I might yell and so I sent my message that it was time to finish quickly and head to bed with a flick of a few light switches.
The next morning did not bring calmness and while my wife slept off a full nights work, as an RN on the night shift must, in our room and the boys watched conference in the living room I streamed it in the office on the computer. Once again I could not bring myself to share the dinner table with my children angry with them for upsetting their mother and afraid of expressing that anger in a harsh manner. Once again I turned off the lights in most of the rooms that evening when it was time for bed but I could not bring myself to speak to my children for fear of losing my temper and yelling. Once again, they were still not finished with their dishes assignments but went to bed soon after my silent message to them.
I reflected on the words spoken in conference. I tried to say that they were just being kids. And they were, but I was still angry.
This morning I woke and with few instructions asked them to begin our morning routine. I turned on the news as become habit since when I was a much younger father I often didn't pay attention to weather reports and had to run a coat to school when my oldest was very young. I took the oldest to school dropping off the 2nd at the bus stop on the way. I had a stern discussion with the oldest who is struggling in a few classes due to procrastination, I was upset and made that point very clear. Many of the issues this weekend had been instigated by him though he wasn't fully to blame but I let him know how angry it made me. I wanted to say more but quieted and let him have the final word as we said goodbye while he carried his gym bag and back pack with him into school. I returned to pick up the two younger children and dropped them off at school making sure they had their lunches with them.
I was still angry and said little to my wife when she got home not wanting to burden her with more, but knowing she would worry anyway. I slept through the morning next to her though and woke up feeling a little more calm and a little more rested. I came to the computer and decided to see if I could watch conference again yet online. I was overjoyed that not only could I watch but I could go right to the talk I wanted to hear. The one that I needed to repeat.
It was the one by Elder Holland. I watched it again a few times. I knew my anger wasn't the children's fault completely and much of it was still part of the emotional turmoil I have been in for so long. I'm still upset with them for their actions recently but I began to let go of some of the heavier emotions. His words reminded me not to give up. It reminded me that some things I can change and some I can't. His words reminded me that even a stalwart man of god such as himself, could know the pain of these feelings as he briefly talked about his own struggles as a young father. It reminded me of the realization I had had this past summer that despite my faith in healing of these emotional wounds, that I had sought the help of learned professionals and his counsel reinforced that I am on the right path.
Here are some quotes in case anyone else needs them.
“Trust in God. Hold on to His love.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Believe in miracles.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Fatigue is the common enemy of us all–-so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
"Whatever your struggle...don’t vote against the preciousness of life by ending it!” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
Here is a link to the talk..
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Tina's Song
Back in the first year that Tina and I were married I wanted to write her a song and I've always struggled with it. One day I wrote a few lines about how I couldn't write it because I couldn't find the words.
I've lost the page I wrote it on years ago but the first line and much of the small stanza I had written was still in my brain. Today I figured it out.
I've lost the page I wrote it on years ago but the first line and much of the small stanza I had written was still in my brain. Today I figured it out.
Tina's Song
I sat down today and tried to write your song.
I’ve tried so many times but it always comes out wrong.
I just can’t seem to find the words that say just what’s
inside.
And I'll probably just mess it up, but I can’t leave it
untried.
If you could see you,
The way that others see you.
If you could know you
The way that we all
do.
If you could trust you
As much as everyone else does, then
You’d love yourself as much as I do
Love you forever and all time, amen
I watch you lying there peacefully asleep
The pale light shines on you and it almost makes me weep.
I brush your hair back softly and think to myself,
If I could give my love to you, so that you could love
yourself.
If you could see you,
The way that I see you.
If you could know you
The way that I do.
If you could trust you
As much as I’ve always done, then
You’d love yourself as much as I do
Love you forever and all time, amen
Copyright © October
1, 2013 Timothy Coral Mair
Monday, September 30, 2013
Running Into And Out Of Fear....Is Counting To Ten Childish?
As most of you know one of the main things my doctor prescribed has been daily vigorous exercises. I've done most of that running, but I've also done some strength training too. I keep track of the running with two different apps because I have some friends who use one and some who use another. looking at what they do helps keep me motivated.
I set a goal to make it at least 60 miles in September overall, and I wanted to also run half as many miles as one of my friends who runs a lot and has been for years. Tonight I accomplished the former but not the latter and really the latter was a pipe dream since this friends runs half and full marathons.
It wasn't easy though. I've had days that it was difficult to motivate myself, and a medication change. Today, a ward change. I auditioned for Salt Lake Vocal Artists and stressed about it. I stressed about it a lot. In fact I was telling my sister (by Chat on Facebook) that I thought since it had been so long I figured I hadn't made it. while I was chatting with her I got and email alert and when I checked it, I was in for this wonderful chance to sing for many choral directors at a convention this February. Ups and downs like that also affected how hard I pushed myself and how much I kept at it.
When I hit 55.3-ish miles yesterday I didn't realize that the last 4.7-ish miles would be my toughest. I needed the run tonight to help with dealing with the change coming to our ward boundaries, a new ward, a new time. How my kids would get along with those in the new ward etc. I also I needed just a few more miles to make my goal.
I got the kids to bed late and finally decided to do a late night run. I've gotten used to it but maybe it was the extra anxiety of the day, for some reason running out there with just my little head light and me lighted armband and the soft orange glow of my cellphone counting up the miles I was running, something spooked me.
I heard a loud noise like a bark as I ran past Rocky Mountain Junior High, and I wondered if it was the two dogs I've had to scare off with forceful shouting a few times this past week. I kept looking back but didn't see anything. I decided to pop out one of my earbuds and run with the music on in just one ear. I felt better and kept going. Close to mile 2, I saw what I was sure was someone in a black hoodie sneaking around just ahead of me by the fence of a large yard. Just as I decided to swing my head over in that direction the fence gave way to grass with poplars growing every 10 feet or so. When my light went to where I last saw him, I saw nothing.
I thought I was mistaken but as I ran I thought, "I run this same way many nights of the week. What if someone figured it out and thought I'd be easy to mug. Yes all I had on me was a smart phone but maybe that was enough to entice someone." My heart began to race and the logical parts of my brain began to turn off. at one point I stopped to walk so I could turn around and look a few times. When that happened my anxious state coupled with the running I had been doing made my legs and back start to cramp. I hit about 2.3 miles and turned around. Each time I tried to start running I cramped up and my heart raced more. I walked and jogged, and walked and jogged a lot for the next mile or so. Oh and while I was doing that I realized the Dark Man in the hoodie was just the extremely bright light of that park bathroom I always pass, and I had literally been spooked by my own shadow. I have compared myself to a groundhog (thinking about how sometimes I get out in public and get spooked easily) lately in my mind but tonight the comparison was quite literal.
With a little less than a mile left I decided to run again. For no real reason I began to count everytime my left foot hit the ground.
"1 and 2 and..." I would think until I got to 100.
Then I started over. I got lost at 30 or so and started over, this time just going to 10 and starting over. Without really realizing it I was doing what listening to my choral music usually does for me. I was engaging the logical part of my brain and when that's active the limbic system (which controls fight or flight) shuts down. My cramps lessened and my heart rate went back to where it usually does when I do a casual run without a specific pace goal. Yes, I will still need to work out some knots with a deep tissue massage from my wife tomorrow and I will certainly take a rest day and lift weights and work the upper body tomorrow. But I turned off the panic attack.
Counting to ten. How cliché is that? I always thought that was something that is told to children. Adults need something much more complicated than just counting to ten right?
If you're having trouble...Count to ten. It's not just for children anymore.
I set a goal to make it at least 60 miles in September overall, and I wanted to also run half as many miles as one of my friends who runs a lot and has been for years. Tonight I accomplished the former but not the latter and really the latter was a pipe dream since this friends runs half and full marathons.
It wasn't easy though. I've had days that it was difficult to motivate myself, and a medication change. Today, a ward change. I auditioned for Salt Lake Vocal Artists and stressed about it. I stressed about it a lot. In fact I was telling my sister (by Chat on Facebook) that I thought since it had been so long I figured I hadn't made it. while I was chatting with her I got and email alert and when I checked it, I was in for this wonderful chance to sing for many choral directors at a convention this February. Ups and downs like that also affected how hard I pushed myself and how much I kept at it.
When I hit 55.3-ish miles yesterday I didn't realize that the last 4.7-ish miles would be my toughest. I needed the run tonight to help with dealing with the change coming to our ward boundaries, a new ward, a new time. How my kids would get along with those in the new ward etc. I also I needed just a few more miles to make my goal.
I got the kids to bed late and finally decided to do a late night run. I've gotten used to it but maybe it was the extra anxiety of the day, for some reason running out there with just my little head light and me lighted armband and the soft orange glow of my cellphone counting up the miles I was running, something spooked me.
I heard a loud noise like a bark as I ran past Rocky Mountain Junior High, and I wondered if it was the two dogs I've had to scare off with forceful shouting a few times this past week. I kept looking back but didn't see anything. I decided to pop out one of my earbuds and run with the music on in just one ear. I felt better and kept going. Close to mile 2, I saw what I was sure was someone in a black hoodie sneaking around just ahead of me by the fence of a large yard. Just as I decided to swing my head over in that direction the fence gave way to grass with poplars growing every 10 feet or so. When my light went to where I last saw him, I saw nothing.
I thought I was mistaken but as I ran I thought, "I run this same way many nights of the week. What if someone figured it out and thought I'd be easy to mug. Yes all I had on me was a smart phone but maybe that was enough to entice someone." My heart began to race and the logical parts of my brain began to turn off. at one point I stopped to walk so I could turn around and look a few times. When that happened my anxious state coupled with the running I had been doing made my legs and back start to cramp. I hit about 2.3 miles and turned around. Each time I tried to start running I cramped up and my heart raced more. I walked and jogged, and walked and jogged a lot for the next mile or so. Oh and while I was doing that I realized the Dark Man in the hoodie was just the extremely bright light of that park bathroom I always pass, and I had literally been spooked by my own shadow. I have compared myself to a groundhog (thinking about how sometimes I get out in public and get spooked easily) lately in my mind but tonight the comparison was quite literal.
With a little less than a mile left I decided to run again. For no real reason I began to count everytime my left foot hit the ground.
"1 and 2 and..." I would think until I got to 100.
Then I started over. I got lost at 30 or so and started over, this time just going to 10 and starting over. Without really realizing it I was doing what listening to my choral music usually does for me. I was engaging the logical part of my brain and when that's active the limbic system (which controls fight or flight) shuts down. My cramps lessened and my heart rate went back to where it usually does when I do a casual run without a specific pace goal. Yes, I will still need to work out some knots with a deep tissue massage from my wife tomorrow and I will certainly take a rest day and lift weights and work the upper body tomorrow. But I turned off the panic attack.
Counting to ten. How cliché is that? I always thought that was something that is told to children. Adults need something much more complicated than just counting to ten right?
If you're having trouble...Count to ten. It's not just for children anymore.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
What's working.
Getting through these challenges I've been faced with recently has forced me to be aware of how the things I do affect me.
I made a list of things that are calming or cathartic and that cause me anxiety. After ranking them, I was convinced that I was a nut. But being aware of things on my lists and making sure I do enough on the good side to balance out the things that are hard can be a struggle. Mostly because I often feel that doing things just for myself is selfish. However as I mentioned before I am realizing I have more and better quality of time and effort to give when I do take care of myself.
I have found 3 things that seem to be an absolute must for me recently.
The first is exercise. At the moment I notice a serious drop in my level to cope if I don't have at least 30 minutes or more of vigorous exercise each day. My outlook is better, my energy is better and I am more conscious of what I eat when I exercise. It provides me with natural endorphins and our good feeling brain chemicals. The Medication I've been on has helped get me more stable but even with it, I REQUIRE exercise. So this is something I am putting on my must do list.
The second is working on and singing difficult music. After spending the morning in a recording session with the choir, I made it through an entire scary car ride in the rain and also a night at Boondocks without taking the extra medication the doctor gave me for panic attacks and to help me sleep without agitation. Yes by the end of the Boondocks I was a bit frazzled and close to my limit but I made it and I attribute it to the mental challenge of working hard and focusing on music for an entire morning. I do not however get much in the way of a boost if the music isn't challenging or the pace of learning the music is too slow. I also still have trouble with solos, these were once a great asset to me and I believe that I can make them be that once again if I begin to take voice lessons again. As soon as I feel stable enough I plan to start looking for a part-time job and part of the money from said job will go to paying for voice lessons, and another portion to a college tuition fund. This way I can expand my mind and not feel guilty about it because the money will come from work I do and not our normal family budget.
I will get there.
The 3rd thing has been prayer. I have had many experiences with prayer over my life and many new ones recently. Daily communication with my Father in Heaven is essential and at times in my life I have forgotten it. I have been able to really look at how I pray and who I include in my prayers and this has helped to put me in a frame of mind to think of other's needs. I am truly humbled as I think about others and their struggles and successes. I feel more connected to them and it truly has an effect on my anxiety level around people.
Anyway. These are my 3 must haves. What are yours? Do you take time to enrich yourself and prop yourself up? I hope so.
I made a list of things that are calming or cathartic and that cause me anxiety. After ranking them, I was convinced that I was a nut. But being aware of things on my lists and making sure I do enough on the good side to balance out the things that are hard can be a struggle. Mostly because I often feel that doing things just for myself is selfish. However as I mentioned before I am realizing I have more and better quality of time and effort to give when I do take care of myself.
I have found 3 things that seem to be an absolute must for me recently.
The first is exercise. At the moment I notice a serious drop in my level to cope if I don't have at least 30 minutes or more of vigorous exercise each day. My outlook is better, my energy is better and I am more conscious of what I eat when I exercise. It provides me with natural endorphins and our good feeling brain chemicals. The Medication I've been on has helped get me more stable but even with it, I REQUIRE exercise. So this is something I am putting on my must do list.
The second is working on and singing difficult music. After spending the morning in a recording session with the choir, I made it through an entire scary car ride in the rain and also a night at Boondocks without taking the extra medication the doctor gave me for panic attacks and to help me sleep without agitation. Yes by the end of the Boondocks I was a bit frazzled and close to my limit but I made it and I attribute it to the mental challenge of working hard and focusing on music for an entire morning. I do not however get much in the way of a boost if the music isn't challenging or the pace of learning the music is too slow. I also still have trouble with solos, these were once a great asset to me and I believe that I can make them be that once again if I begin to take voice lessons again. As soon as I feel stable enough I plan to start looking for a part-time job and part of the money from said job will go to paying for voice lessons, and another portion to a college tuition fund. This way I can expand my mind and not feel guilty about it because the money will come from work I do and not our normal family budget.
I will get there.
The 3rd thing has been prayer. I have had many experiences with prayer over my life and many new ones recently. Daily communication with my Father in Heaven is essential and at times in my life I have forgotten it. I have been able to really look at how I pray and who I include in my prayers and this has helped to put me in a frame of mind to think of other's needs. I am truly humbled as I think about others and their struggles and successes. I feel more connected to them and it truly has an effect on my anxiety level around people.
Anyway. These are my 3 must haves. What are yours? Do you take time to enrich yourself and prop yourself up? I hope so.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)