I started to write this blog to get my feelings out and make sure I did it in a positive way by making it available for anyone to see. Since then I have realized that the true healing has come from the many people who have posted to tell me how it helped them or that they had felt similar feelings.
When you're depressed, when your anxious and particularly when you have a Social Anxiety issue you world begins to shrink. You stop doing things with other people and your support system slowly erodes so that when you need them you feel that you have burnt the bridges between you and your friends and they can't be rebuilt.
I can't tell you how debilitating that can be when you, when all of us need each other so much.
I saw an article today that made me realize why it's so important to keep the friends close and rebuild those bridges every-time even if you think you have to start over.
I must admit that part of why this stood out to me so much was due to reading my sister in-laws blog this evening and it made me cry. She is going through a rough patch but so much of what she said reminded me of times that I struggle. I needed to read it. She's a truly sweet and special person.
I hope I can figure out how to post this link. It's about how we make friends.
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/friends-youre-grown-235226889.html
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I feel old...but I think I'm okay with that.
I'm feeling old.
I think I'm okay.
I've freaked out a little recently. I admit. I'm giving myself permission to. I was pretty sick. My teenager is still, well, a teenager. But I'm okay. I came through the other side. And I learned some things.
I can do it. I got back into college. I found a way to pay for it. A way I earned with my own skill. I did the leg work to make it happen too. For someone who has spent a lot of time wondering if I would always fail at everything. That makes a difference.
Can't forget that when things got rough I still panicked though. but maybe that's a good thing too. I had a bit of a wake up call about the anxiousness before I return to school. It means I should take the next few months and stack the deck. not just by reviewing music theory, or taking piano, which I will do but I need to work harder on planning for my stress levels as well. Gonna use up my insurance quota for seeing a counselor before I go back. I really think I can use some coaching on how to prepare and once back I will utilize the services on campus for the same.
I still feel old. I met someone from Choir at WSU while doing the play a few months back. Considering how young that person was, I think I might feel like a fogey. So I have to prepare for that as well. But it also makes me feel kind of cool, at least for now. I'm going back. I've been raising kids for years, it would be easy to say there's no point in going back but I'm doing it. I also feel more confident about my abilities in many ways than I did before. I may get anxious but I've spent years singing with an amazing choir and learning lots of music quickly. I've been involved in recording. I have directed a little. I know that I can do it.
Is it okay if I give in to a little of the mid-life crisis before I go back? Get my hair colored to cover up the gray that's sneaking in, not so much that other's notice but maybe I'll use that groupon I found to get my hair colored just to pretend a little.
I feel a little childish. It still doesn't completely seem real, I keep logging in to the Student portal to make sure I'm really registered. Yeah, I know it's silly. But I'm giving myself permission on that front too.
Yeah I freaked out a bit lately, but I think I came out a little tougher on the other side. a little smarter emotionally at least. 3 steps forward, 2 back. Still improvement. It's okay to lose it a little if you make sure that your not standing still and the net is a gain. I'll take it.
I'm standing a little farther forward than I was last year. I'm gonna be okay.
I think I'm okay.
I've freaked out a little recently. I admit. I'm giving myself permission to. I was pretty sick. My teenager is still, well, a teenager. But I'm okay. I came through the other side. And I learned some things.
I can do it. I got back into college. I found a way to pay for it. A way I earned with my own skill. I did the leg work to make it happen too. For someone who has spent a lot of time wondering if I would always fail at everything. That makes a difference.
Can't forget that when things got rough I still panicked though. but maybe that's a good thing too. I had a bit of a wake up call about the anxiousness before I return to school. It means I should take the next few months and stack the deck. not just by reviewing music theory, or taking piano, which I will do but I need to work harder on planning for my stress levels as well. Gonna use up my insurance quota for seeing a counselor before I go back. I really think I can use some coaching on how to prepare and once back I will utilize the services on campus for the same.
I still feel old. I met someone from Choir at WSU while doing the play a few months back. Considering how young that person was, I think I might feel like a fogey. So I have to prepare for that as well. But it also makes me feel kind of cool, at least for now. I'm going back. I've been raising kids for years, it would be easy to say there's no point in going back but I'm doing it. I also feel more confident about my abilities in many ways than I did before. I may get anxious but I've spent years singing with an amazing choir and learning lots of music quickly. I've been involved in recording. I have directed a little. I know that I can do it.
Is it okay if I give in to a little of the mid-life crisis before I go back? Get my hair colored to cover up the gray that's sneaking in, not so much that other's notice but maybe I'll use that groupon I found to get my hair colored just to pretend a little.
I feel a little childish. It still doesn't completely seem real, I keep logging in to the Student portal to make sure I'm really registered. Yeah, I know it's silly. But I'm giving myself permission on that front too.
Yeah I freaked out a bit lately, but I think I came out a little tougher on the other side. a little smarter emotionally at least. 3 steps forward, 2 back. Still improvement. It's okay to lose it a little if you make sure that your not standing still and the net is a gain. I'll take it.
I'm standing a little farther forward than I was last year. I'm gonna be okay.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Invisible Sea
I sail the invisible sea
Unseen by you, unseen by me.
I now travel the pure white plains.
The red horizon where the sunshine reigns.
Unseen by you, unseen by me.
I now travel the pure white plains.
The red horizon where the sunshine reigns.
The sea below, the sea above.
I sail away from the home I love.
The plains above, the sea below.
I pass you by and you never know.
I sail away from the home I love.
The plains above, the sea below.
I pass you by and you never know.
Once again I sail the sea.
Unseen by you, unseen by me.
Floating o'er the pure white plains.
The wind, it roars, I travel home again.
Unseen by you, unseen by me.
Floating o'er the pure white plains.
The wind, it roars, I travel home again.
The sea above, the sea below.
Closer, closer to the home I know.
The lights below, the plains above.
Bring me home to my true love.
Closer, closer to the home I know.
The lights below, the plains above.
Bring me home to my true love.
Should I sail again that sea,
Where birds swim softly 'neath of me.
Will I take you with me on those plains?
You, the home, the love, that within me reigns.
Where birds swim softly 'neath of me.
Will I take you with me on those plains?
You, the home, the love, that within me reigns.
Feb. 2014 T. Mair
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Social Anxiety can be painful.
I haven't posted in a very long time. For the most part I've been doing better. I had some rough times when my wife lost her job but with the help of good friends and family we both came through that. I made it through the very busy holiday performing season "relatively" stress free, or so I thought.
Some of you may know that last year after December I had to go into Physical therapy for tendonitis in my left shoulder. The only thing we could pin it on was all of the extra hours holding my choir folder, combined with the fact that I like to sleep on my arm. I've always slept on both of my arms so it had to be the combination of the two that caused it.
It's December 31st and once again I find myself with the same shoulder pain and I didn't think I had performed nearly as much this year so I started thinking about how it could feel worse so much quicker this year. I realized why in almost an instant. It's part of why it started hurting last year too when it never had before.
Anxiety.
Not a direct result but an indirect issue. I don't speak up for myself. I move to accommodate others in pretty much all aspects of my life and I try to stand in the background as much as possible. These two problems put me in my current predicament.
Firstly, I prefer standing on the back row whenever possible. Though not among the tallest in the choir I'm tall enough that when we are standing on risers I can see the director well through my window. This alone isn't a problem but it means that my folder sometimes must sit a little higher to accommodate the others singers.
There-in lies the second problem. Really there would be more room for me to hold my folder if I wasn't afraid to ask people for one small courtesy. It's generally good choral riser etiquette for the front rows to stand close to the front of the riser giving more space for the back rows. often though as people we push back toward where we stop. It's like in Feng shui, you shouldn't have the head of your bed on the same wall as a door or window. It's nature that makes us protect ourselves. Having your back to the wall (or your leg against the riser behind you) is just instinct. Usually all it takes is for someone to ASK the front rows to move to the optimal location on the riser. just a baby-step forward. But I can't do that. And the taller men on either side of me have fewer problems, so I adjust myself. I stand with my legs pushing against the back of the riser, rather painfully I might add. I also tweek my shoulder so that I can have my music in a position so as not to interfere with anyone in front of me but so that I can still see. As I try to imitate that posture now I can see why my shoulder hurts even without a folder in my hand.
It seems rather silly. Such a simple thing as speaking up and asking for help would solve my problem. I'm still a work in progress, as we all are. I don't know if realizing this will make me speak up yet but I'm closer. I'll get through this. too. Luckily I've already done physical therapy once and I believe I can repeat what I did last year on my own to get through it. If not I'll go in a get help, but since I don't like being touched I'd like to try on my own first.
Anxiety hurts in the mind but it really can hurt the body as well.
Some of you may know that last year after December I had to go into Physical therapy for tendonitis in my left shoulder. The only thing we could pin it on was all of the extra hours holding my choir folder, combined with the fact that I like to sleep on my arm. I've always slept on both of my arms so it had to be the combination of the two that caused it.
It's December 31st and once again I find myself with the same shoulder pain and I didn't think I had performed nearly as much this year so I started thinking about how it could feel worse so much quicker this year. I realized why in almost an instant. It's part of why it started hurting last year too when it never had before.
Anxiety.
Not a direct result but an indirect issue. I don't speak up for myself. I move to accommodate others in pretty much all aspects of my life and I try to stand in the background as much as possible. These two problems put me in my current predicament.
Firstly, I prefer standing on the back row whenever possible. Though not among the tallest in the choir I'm tall enough that when we are standing on risers I can see the director well through my window. This alone isn't a problem but it means that my folder sometimes must sit a little higher to accommodate the others singers.
There-in lies the second problem. Really there would be more room for me to hold my folder if I wasn't afraid to ask people for one small courtesy. It's generally good choral riser etiquette for the front rows to stand close to the front of the riser giving more space for the back rows. often though as people we push back toward where we stop. It's like in Feng shui, you shouldn't have the head of your bed on the same wall as a door or window. It's nature that makes us protect ourselves. Having your back to the wall (or your leg against the riser behind you) is just instinct. Usually all it takes is for someone to ASK the front rows to move to the optimal location on the riser. just a baby-step forward. But I can't do that. And the taller men on either side of me have fewer problems, so I adjust myself. I stand with my legs pushing against the back of the riser, rather painfully I might add. I also tweek my shoulder so that I can have my music in a position so as not to interfere with anyone in front of me but so that I can still see. As I try to imitate that posture now I can see why my shoulder hurts even without a folder in my hand.
It seems rather silly. Such a simple thing as speaking up and asking for help would solve my problem. I'm still a work in progress, as we all are. I don't know if realizing this will make me speak up yet but I'm closer. I'll get through this. too. Luckily I've already done physical therapy once and I believe I can repeat what I did last year on my own to get through it. If not I'll go in a get help, but since I don't like being touched I'd like to try on my own first.
Anxiety hurts in the mind but it really can hurt the body as well.
Friday, November 22, 2013
The Candle
I was cleaning out a drawer tonight and I found one of my old notebooks that I used to keep in my pocket to write things down in. In it there were lots of little poems and haiku and writing starts. This one jumped out at me for some reason though I don't recall why I wrote it.
The Candle
Completely hidden it
lies beneath the flame of a dying candle,
Still hot to burn,
but no warmth it gives, it’s burden hard to handle.
The smell of smoke
lies close about the room that holds this candle,
But sweet it reeks
and no hint it leaks of a burden hard to handle.
Who’ll take this
thing away from me, this shrunken stub of candle,
I’ll carry it to my
grave I fear and this I cannot handle.
I did not ask to
shine this light that rests here on my candle,
Though others may get
use of it, I wish it had a handle.
Maybe it reminds of of what I feel like when the weight of the world pulls me down and that has been on my mind certainly. The last line seems to turn it around slightly with a bit of humor and pun about handling things but also because it recognizes that maybe the little light is still helping someone else.
I don't know but I like it and despite it's melancholy tone it makes me happy. I'll take that.
Friday, October 18, 2013
The Introvert vs The Extravert.
Most people who know especially those who knew me best when I was younger are surprised by my difficulties with social interaction. It's not just because I love to be on stage but often when in a large group I have grabbed attention with wisecracks and antics.
Since introversion and extraversion are often seen as either one or the other that makes sense. But I'm not sure that it IS one or the other.
Every person has at least some desire to be loved, to fit in, and to relate to other people. It's part of the human experience. We search for much of our lives to find a companion, to have a family and to be a part of something beyond ourselves.
Every person also desires some solitude. Some write. Some listen to music. Some Read the paper. Some sit there and watch sports or a television alone.
Despite my desire to be alone I also always wanted to fit in, I had a strong desire to please, and was worried when I made a mistake in manners. In order to overcome that I formed a personality that tried to grab attention, but I also waited in any situation to see what was acceptable. When eating in a new place I hesitated to eat until I saw what the rules were. In a large group I waited to see how the social structure worked. Each time I altered my behavior to mimic and exaggerate my perception of the group structure. Sometimes I failed and made mistakes and I would have to wait even longer to reintegrate into the group. Sometimes I caught on fast and would get on a roll, often becoming a caricature of the group dynamic itself. But it was always fueled by that innate desire to fit in.
You see it's not the introvert who has trouble with other people. It's the extravert. The older I've gotten the more I realize you can't please everyone, the more that trying to please everyone becomes a struggle. The extravert can't adapt as quickly and more and more I find myself choosing to be alone because I'm afraid of making a social faux pas.
That's why I seemed to feel at home in a choir on stage. I have a clear direction of what I'm supposed to do. I have music to learn and memorize and I have a director to follow. The chance of mistake drops and I have a whole choir of people working on the same goal. I can be the extravert in a choir because I'm only afraid of mistake based on my own abilities to thrive in a musical setting.
I'm still not sure how to relate that to fixing my social issues, but I think part of the solution to my problems is somewhere in that insight.
Since introversion and extraversion are often seen as either one or the other that makes sense. But I'm not sure that it IS one or the other.
Every person has at least some desire to be loved, to fit in, and to relate to other people. It's part of the human experience. We search for much of our lives to find a companion, to have a family and to be a part of something beyond ourselves.
Every person also desires some solitude. Some write. Some listen to music. Some Read the paper. Some sit there and watch sports or a television alone.
Despite my desire to be alone I also always wanted to fit in, I had a strong desire to please, and was worried when I made a mistake in manners. In order to overcome that I formed a personality that tried to grab attention, but I also waited in any situation to see what was acceptable. When eating in a new place I hesitated to eat until I saw what the rules were. In a large group I waited to see how the social structure worked. Each time I altered my behavior to mimic and exaggerate my perception of the group structure. Sometimes I failed and made mistakes and I would have to wait even longer to reintegrate into the group. Sometimes I caught on fast and would get on a roll, often becoming a caricature of the group dynamic itself. But it was always fueled by that innate desire to fit in.
You see it's not the introvert who has trouble with other people. It's the extravert. The older I've gotten the more I realize you can't please everyone, the more that trying to please everyone becomes a struggle. The extravert can't adapt as quickly and more and more I find myself choosing to be alone because I'm afraid of making a social faux pas.
That's why I seemed to feel at home in a choir on stage. I have a clear direction of what I'm supposed to do. I have music to learn and memorize and I have a director to follow. The chance of mistake drops and I have a whole choir of people working on the same goal. I can be the extravert in a choir because I'm only afraid of mistake based on my own abilities to thrive in a musical setting.
I'm still not sure how to relate that to fixing my social issues, but I think part of the solution to my problems is somewhere in that insight.
Monday, October 7, 2013
A weekend of ups and downs.
This past weekend I had the opportunity to watch the semi-annual LDS General Conference. It was an amazing conference and many times I felt as if the speakers were speaking to me. In particular I was deeply moved on Saturday afternoon by Elder Holland's talk on Depression and mental illness.
This weekend was also very difficult for me. Friday was our pay-day and with that comes errands with my wife. It may not sound like a date to most of you but we look forward to the time we spend together planning, budgeting, building our 2 week menus and taking time to walk down the aisles of Costco, The Deseret Industries, Walmart, Winco and other stores. We like to look even down aisles that we don't have anything on our list to get from. We go to lunch. Despite the time with my wife I get very stressed after so much time in public. Much of our time is spent running these errands during the day but some must be put off til the evening or the following morning. This makes me even more stressed because we have to leave the older children in charge and often come home to a mess, or chores left undone, homework not started and rules being broken as children often do when parents are away.
This particular weekend was particularly bad. Despite the uplifting words and the spirit of the conference talks by 5 PM Saturday I was fed up. What seems to hurt the most is when I hear the children push my wife to her limits as well and the anger and frustration in her voice grows and I begin to hear it even from the other room. It hurts when their disobedience makes it so that dinner is delayed to a point that she can't share it with us and has to take it with her to work. I could not handle it anymore. She took her meal packed with her to work and I retired to my room to try to calm myself. When one of the children brought me a plate with food to be helpful I said I wasn't eating and asked him to leave me alone.
I watched the priesthood session alone and at bedtime I went through the house turning off lights leaving one small one on in the kitchen for the children who were still not finished with their tasks. tasks that should have taken an hour or two in the morning. I was afraid to speak to them for fear that I might yell and so I sent my message that it was time to finish quickly and head to bed with a flick of a few light switches.
The next morning did not bring calmness and while my wife slept off a full nights work, as an RN on the night shift must, in our room and the boys watched conference in the living room I streamed it in the office on the computer. Once again I could not bring myself to share the dinner table with my children angry with them for upsetting their mother and afraid of expressing that anger in a harsh manner. Once again I turned off the lights in most of the rooms that evening when it was time for bed but I could not bring myself to speak to my children for fear of losing my temper and yelling. Once again, they were still not finished with their dishes assignments but went to bed soon after my silent message to them.
I reflected on the words spoken in conference. I tried to say that they were just being kids. And they were, but I was still angry.
This morning I woke and with few instructions asked them to begin our morning routine. I turned on the news as become habit since when I was a much younger father I often didn't pay attention to weather reports and had to run a coat to school when my oldest was very young. I took the oldest to school dropping off the 2nd at the bus stop on the way. I had a stern discussion with the oldest who is struggling in a few classes due to procrastination, I was upset and made that point very clear. Many of the issues this weekend had been instigated by him though he wasn't fully to blame but I let him know how angry it made me. I wanted to say more but quieted and let him have the final word as we said goodbye while he carried his gym bag and back pack with him into school. I returned to pick up the two younger children and dropped them off at school making sure they had their lunches with them.
I was still angry and said little to my wife when she got home not wanting to burden her with more, but knowing she would worry anyway. I slept through the morning next to her though and woke up feeling a little more calm and a little more rested. I came to the computer and decided to see if I could watch conference again yet online. I was overjoyed that not only could I watch but I could go right to the talk I wanted to hear. The one that I needed to repeat.
It was the one by Elder Holland. I watched it again a few times. I knew my anger wasn't the children's fault completely and much of it was still part of the emotional turmoil I have been in for so long. I'm still upset with them for their actions recently but I began to let go of some of the heavier emotions. His words reminded me not to give up. It reminded me that some things I can change and some I can't. His words reminded me that even a stalwart man of god such as himself, could know the pain of these feelings as he briefly talked about his own struggles as a young father. It reminded me of the realization I had had this past summer that despite my faith in healing of these emotional wounds, that I had sought the help of learned professionals and his counsel reinforced that I am on the right path.
Here are some quotes in case anyone else needs them.
“Trust in God. Hold on to His love.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Believe in miracles.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Fatigue is the common enemy of us all–-so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
"Whatever your struggle...don’t vote against the preciousness of life by ending it!” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
Here is a link to the talk..
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10
This weekend was also very difficult for me. Friday was our pay-day and with that comes errands with my wife. It may not sound like a date to most of you but we look forward to the time we spend together planning, budgeting, building our 2 week menus and taking time to walk down the aisles of Costco, The Deseret Industries, Walmart, Winco and other stores. We like to look even down aisles that we don't have anything on our list to get from. We go to lunch. Despite the time with my wife I get very stressed after so much time in public. Much of our time is spent running these errands during the day but some must be put off til the evening or the following morning. This makes me even more stressed because we have to leave the older children in charge and often come home to a mess, or chores left undone, homework not started and rules being broken as children often do when parents are away.
This particular weekend was particularly bad. Despite the uplifting words and the spirit of the conference talks by 5 PM Saturday I was fed up. What seems to hurt the most is when I hear the children push my wife to her limits as well and the anger and frustration in her voice grows and I begin to hear it even from the other room. It hurts when their disobedience makes it so that dinner is delayed to a point that she can't share it with us and has to take it with her to work. I could not handle it anymore. She took her meal packed with her to work and I retired to my room to try to calm myself. When one of the children brought me a plate with food to be helpful I said I wasn't eating and asked him to leave me alone.
I watched the priesthood session alone and at bedtime I went through the house turning off lights leaving one small one on in the kitchen for the children who were still not finished with their tasks. tasks that should have taken an hour or two in the morning. I was afraid to speak to them for fear that I might yell and so I sent my message that it was time to finish quickly and head to bed with a flick of a few light switches.
The next morning did not bring calmness and while my wife slept off a full nights work, as an RN on the night shift must, in our room and the boys watched conference in the living room I streamed it in the office on the computer. Once again I could not bring myself to share the dinner table with my children angry with them for upsetting their mother and afraid of expressing that anger in a harsh manner. Once again I turned off the lights in most of the rooms that evening when it was time for bed but I could not bring myself to speak to my children for fear of losing my temper and yelling. Once again, they were still not finished with their dishes assignments but went to bed soon after my silent message to them.
I reflected on the words spoken in conference. I tried to say that they were just being kids. And they were, but I was still angry.
This morning I woke and with few instructions asked them to begin our morning routine. I turned on the news as become habit since when I was a much younger father I often didn't pay attention to weather reports and had to run a coat to school when my oldest was very young. I took the oldest to school dropping off the 2nd at the bus stop on the way. I had a stern discussion with the oldest who is struggling in a few classes due to procrastination, I was upset and made that point very clear. Many of the issues this weekend had been instigated by him though he wasn't fully to blame but I let him know how angry it made me. I wanted to say more but quieted and let him have the final word as we said goodbye while he carried his gym bag and back pack with him into school. I returned to pick up the two younger children and dropped them off at school making sure they had their lunches with them.
I was still angry and said little to my wife when she got home not wanting to burden her with more, but knowing she would worry anyway. I slept through the morning next to her though and woke up feeling a little more calm and a little more rested. I came to the computer and decided to see if I could watch conference again yet online. I was overjoyed that not only could I watch but I could go right to the talk I wanted to hear. The one that I needed to repeat.
It was the one by Elder Holland. I watched it again a few times. I knew my anger wasn't the children's fault completely and much of it was still part of the emotional turmoil I have been in for so long. I'm still upset with them for their actions recently but I began to let go of some of the heavier emotions. His words reminded me not to give up. It reminded me that some things I can change and some I can't. His words reminded me that even a stalwart man of god such as himself, could know the pain of these feelings as he briefly talked about his own struggles as a young father. It reminded me of the realization I had had this past summer that despite my faith in healing of these emotional wounds, that I had sought the help of learned professionals and his counsel reinforced that I am on the right path.
Here are some quotes in case anyone else needs them.
“Trust in God. Hold on to His love.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Believe in miracles.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
“Fatigue is the common enemy of us all–-so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
"Whatever your struggle...don’t vote against the preciousness of life by ending it!” #ElderHolland#ldsconf http://bit.ly/1b6cvPr
Here is a link to the talk..
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)