Hawaii Syndrome

 Most people would love a trip to Hawaii that's paid for but I'm dreading it.  My father in-law is paying to take his children and their spouses to Hawaii on a cruise in 38 days.  After much painful deliberation I agreed to go because I had always wanted for Tina and I to experience Hawaii together for the first time.  But my father in-law has never cared much for me.  He's often critical of me, even laughing in my face at things I've tried to do over the years.  His children admit that he can be a jerk (sometimes saying he's an ass) but then they say "That's just Dad, and he'll never change."  He also has a favorite child who often gets praise when the others are put down.  It's become more and more terrible for me to be around him over my 26 years of marriage.  Times when I have hit my lowest have often been caused directly by things he's said to me. 

Then there's one of my wife's brother's spouses.  She has many similar traits to her father in-law but often uses passive aggressive behavior to get her point across.  She's loud, bossy, critical and controlling.  I have a difficult time being around her as well.  

As the trip draws near my anxiety is getting worse, I have had to deal with several eczema outbreaks.  Sometimes I just itch all over for no reason.  But what frightens me the most is being on this trip and having an interaction with these people that makes me lose my cool and begin to yell at them and destroying the trip for everyone.  I even canceled myself from a shore excursion that Tina and I had planned because I found out the controlling spouse wants to go since she found out Tina and I and one of her sisters and her husband were going.   The difficult spouse had no desire to go when it was just me and Tina but suddenly wants to join now that another couple was going.  My wife is upset that I canceled myself and wants me to add myself back on once our refund is processed.  I guess I will do that.  It was OUR thing after all.  But if I hear one passive aggressive comment from her I'm canceling again.  This should be a good time but I'm absolutely sure I am going to ruin it for everyone.  I hoped writing it down would make me feel better, I'm not sure it has.  Oh well. 

The Finale

 I have been going through something for quite awhile now and I decided to try and write about it. Slowly, little by little, I have lost the music in myself. I'm not sure when it started but I don't feel it anymore. A few summers ago I wrote the last few compositions in me. After those were done I just had no more. I don't really desire to write anymore. Over time I have lost the desire to sing as well. I did Sweeney Todd a few years ago as well and afterward I just couldn't get excited to perform anymore. I forced myself to do Bright Star a year ago but I could only go through the motions. The whole time I wished that covid would cause the show to be canceled so that I wouldn't have to do it. It wasn't about my fellow cast members, who I loved. It just made me extremely depressed and anxious to be doing it. The part of me that has always fueled the music and performing just isn't there anymore. I don't see a future that includes it anymore either. I'm just done. There's nothing more in the tank. It's ok I guess. The biggest problem, I guess, is that music and performing have always defined me. I'm not sure who I am completely without it. But I still have my family. I'm still a dad and grandfather. Anyway, I just thought that I'd put it out there.

A Sort Of Magic

A Sort of Magic

There’s a sort of magic that we know,

When the world about is washed with snow.

Of a Babe whose mother wipes His tears,

The luster of the heart throughout the years.

In a manger filled with golden hay,

Did the Babe the Christ-child come to lay.

Where His mother who had held Him tight,

Placed her Son to rest all through the night.

In the fields about the shepherds heard,

Angels singing out the glorious word.

Alleluia! To the newborn Boy!

Alleluia! He will bring us joy!

Glory to God, in the highest!

Glory to God, in the highest!

And on earth be peace to all mankind!

Glory to God, in the highest!

Glory to God, in the highest!

And on earth be peace to all mankind!

-Timothy Coral Mair

40 Days Of Rain

40 days of rain and nothing stops the pain.
Try to hold a candle lit within the strain.
6 am on Monday morning alarms ring out with no warning,
The church bells ring the news, their song of mourning.

People see my smile they think that I'm glad.
Loneliness I guess aint all that bad.
Eyes wide open crying at the brink of night.
Eyes still open crying at the morning light.

40 days of winter see how the year do splinter.
There is not a leaf to see among the frozen timber
6 pm and full night shining hard to see a silver lining,
For cloudless days again you know I'm pining.

People see my smile they say it's not so bad,
Loneliness I guess can sometimes make you glad
Eyes wide open crying at the brink of night.
Eyes still open crying at the morning light

Mental Illness and my spirit

Today I'm collecting links about mental illness from members of the LDS General Authorities as well as others.

Maybe they will help someone else.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media-library/video/mental-health?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2005/10/myths-about-mental-illness?lang=eng


Geaorge Albert Smith had several years of a breakdown and though he pulled through struggled with his illness throughout his time as an apostle and prophet.  at the time much was thought of as a nervous breakdown of the body alone which is both partially correct and lacking of the wisdom of modern day medicine and psychology. 

https://beginning-depression.blogspot.com/2013/11/cheat-asylum-of-victim-georege-albert.html

https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=&httpsredir=1&article=1056&context=mormonhistory

https://bycommonconsent.com/2012/01/04/mental-illness-and-george-albert-smith/


What does any of this mean?  Each case is individual.  A blessing or reading the scriptures or even prayer alone can not CURE these disorders.  Some will gain a tense and sometimes effective mastery of their outward symptoms.  Many will receive great helps from medications and/or counseling.

I personally have tried much.  I once believed that I merely needed a blessing.  I begged of a former priesthood leader to believe me that my faith would be all I needed to make me whole.  He wisely counseled me that while faith would help to hold pieces together when I could not they would not cure me.  That the scars of my illness would leave me likely impaired in some ways for years or possibly my life.  It was not faithlessness to consult a physician and counseling.  That he despite his goodness and merciful nature was not qualified to counsel me in matters of the brain that was so clearly not working correctly.

I had many spiritual experiences of my own after this.  I continue to. One, indicated to me that I would always need to stay on medication for the rest of my life and that it would only help to a small degree, but came with several promises.  The first was that I could look to the resurrection for a true CURE.  Secondly, that I would be given discernment to know what I could handle and what I could not on a day to day basis.  third that I would still be challenged by life like others are and I would have that same discernment to know where to put my limited ability to focus.

I struggle, daily.  It hurts. I'm am climbing back out of an extremely severe depression today that came upon me slowly over the course of 2018 and 2019.  My contributions (of time and effort) to the church are limited severely often.  Usually when I give of myself, I give more than I have.  During those struggling years I made a big deal to try to uplift our ward with a Christmas program in December of 2018.  I was never able to fully recover from that and it contributed to my decline through 2019.  I think Church takes the most out of me because it is the most important short of my family.

But I move on.  I had a medication change when things hit their worst and it has been a great blessing.  It doesn't completely solve the stress of my promptings to get a job since the kids didn't need me at home as much, or the prospect of becoming a grandparent or the loss I felt when my daughter in-law miscarried this past September.  But I have listened.  I have tried one job in Draper and found it to be difficult to make the commute.  I am now working at a local fast food restaurant that is more flexible in schedule and much closer to home.  I was led to these changes but at the moment find they take all of my strength.  I ease some of that burden by singing with a choir full of friends in Salt Lake.  I feel at home there but it also comes with it's emotional burdens of learning the music.  thankfully the only one who I am in charge of is me there.  It's my job to worry about my part and make it fit with others who learn theirs on their own.  So despite it's stresses I can gain more from singing there than most other places at the moment and certainly more than the stress it brings.

Still people look at me and tell me I simply am letting others down or should just cheer up.  The more those who do speak this way try to include me the more I have to keep my distance.  They don't know the added pain they cause and telling them directly would hurt me even more to do so.

When You're Lying Next To Me

When the world is just too big for me
And my whole life just seems out of place
My perspective changes and I don't seem so small
When I can see the smile on your face.

Sometimes I'm just anxious about everything
And my heart beats to hard for my chest.
But I pick up the pieces at the touch of your hand
Because you know how to calm me the best

It all seems so unfocused
Engulfed by fog so blinding
And hopelessly I stumble
While my whole world's unwinding.
But you can always find me there
And you can always make me see.
My whole world makes sense again
When you're lying next to me.

I never do feel enough for you
And I wish that I could be much more
And then I hear you say my name
Suddenly I'm the man you fell for.

It all seems so unfocused
Engulfed by fog so blinding
And hopelessly I stumble
While my whole world's unwinding.
But you can always find me there
And you can always make me see.
My whole world makes sense again
When you're lying next to me.

Underground

When morning falls and darkness breaks I see through hooded eyes.
Pierce the brightening blackness stilled and so the sunlight lies.
A cut can heal the deepest wound
I hope to lie asleep here soon
If I sigh out loud no one can hear my cries

I'm filled with painful silence that is drowning out my tears.
The days stretch on and my friend, I sense the shortened years.
I dread that nothing hears my song
That no one felt it all along
The shadows on the wall can't reach my ears.

Breaking down....
I'm just a clown....
I can't see the eatth my feet tread on
Chain me down....
Underground....
Light the fires behind the waning dawn.

Crashing soft the daybreak pulls me from my bed.
The velvet touch of sunlight burns my head.
Crying out I beg for peace.
Never can I feel release.
The prison of my freedom drives my dread.