Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I feel old...but I think I'm okay with that.

I'm feeling old.

I think I'm okay.

I've freaked out a little recently.  I admit.  I'm giving myself permission to.  I was pretty sick.  My teenager is still, well, a teenager.  But I'm okay.  I came through the other side.  And I learned some things.

I can do it.  I got back into college.  I found a way to pay for it.  A way I earned with my own skill.  I did the leg work to make it happen too.  For someone who has spent a lot of time wondering if I would always fail at everything.  That makes a difference.

Can't forget that when things got rough I still panicked though.  but maybe that's a good thing too.  I had a bit of a wake up call about the anxiousness before I return to school.  It means I should take the next few months and stack the deck.  not just by reviewing music theory, or taking piano, which I will do but I need to work harder on planning for my stress levels as well.  Gonna use up my insurance quota for seeing a counselor before I go back.  I really think I can use some coaching on how to prepare and once back I will utilize the services on campus for the same.

I still feel old.  I met someone from Choir at WSU while doing the play a few months back.  Considering how young that person was, I think I might feel like a fogey.  So I have to prepare for that as well.  But it also makes me feel kind of cool, at least for now.  I'm going back.  I've been raising kids for years, it would be easy to say there's no point in going back but I'm doing it.  I also feel more confident about my abilities in many ways than I did before.  I may get anxious but I've spent years singing with an amazing choir and learning lots of music quickly.  I've been involved in recording.  I have directed a little.  I know that I can do it.

Is it okay if I give in to a little of the mid-life crisis before I go back?  Get my hair colored to cover up the gray that's sneaking in, not so much that other's notice but maybe I'll use that groupon I found to get my hair colored just to pretend a little.

I feel a little childish.  It still doesn't completely seem real, I keep logging in to the Student portal to make sure I'm really registered.  Yeah, I know it's silly.  But I'm giving myself permission on that front too.

Yeah I freaked out a bit lately, but I think I came out a little tougher on the other side. a little smarter emotionally at least.  3 steps forward, 2 back.  Still improvement.  It's okay to lose it a little if you make sure that your not standing still and the net is a gain.  I'll take it.

I'm standing a little farther forward than I was last year.  I'm gonna be okay.