Followers

Monday, May 25, 2015

10 things that I want my sons to know.

10 things that I want my sons to know.

1. I don't try to be mean.  I'm hurt when you're mean to each other or lie to me and it makes me respond with strong emotion.

2. I don't expect perfection except from myself.  I want you to make mistakes.  I want you to own them and recognize them. Don't hide them.  I should probably take my own advice on this.  But especially where it comes to you boys I get frustrated when I am not perfect.

3.  You're special.   You're unique.  This doesn't mean that you're better than others.  You may not even know yet what makes you unique. (You probably won't find it in a video game)  This doesn't mean that rules and social graces don't apply to you.  It's up to you to show why you're unique to the world and work hard to shine that spark to everyone.

4.  I'm not perfect. (You probably already guessed it)  That's it.

5.  I love your mother.  She's my sweetheart.   She's my fantasy. She's all of my dreams come true and you all came from her.  She's not perfect either.

6.  Life can be hard.  Try to fight that and it will beat you down.  But try to use it's unyielding momentum and you're going to get strong.  You'll work to stay on top of it and you'll go farther than you can dream.

7.  I believe in God.   I know he sent his son to help us to return to him.  Others have their beliefs but these are mine.  I hope you have some of your own someday.

8.  Flatulence is only funny to some people like us.  Respect other's belief that it is not.

9.  Dream big.  Reach for the stars.  All of those clich├ęd saying.  Yeah, do it.  You're going to fail at lots of things.  You'll have bigger take aways from bigger dreams even if they fail.

10.  I love you.  Once again, that's all.  It doesn't go away.

Friday, May 22, 2015

The Dark

The Dark is a safe place.  
I can't see a thing.
Inside the muddy black,
The comfort it brings.

The light is loneliness.
The sun sees my flaws.
Masks glow artificial
And light is the cause.

The cold is inviting.
It helps me stay warm.
Darkness and cold
Deep inside the storm.

The shadows are friendly
They never say "ought."
When merged in the darkness.
Into one they are wrought.

I'm at home in the dark.
I close my eyes.
It's still there with me.

The dark never dies.

Friday, May 15, 2015

The "White-Knuckle/Blue" world I live in.

White-Knuckles and a Blue Filter


Try to imagine the feeling you get when you miss a stair.  It's brief but for just a moment  you know you're falling.  Now imagine that feeling but you're carrying your infant child in your arms.  Once again brief but now you've compounded the problem with the fear of not being able to catch yourself because you can't just drop your child and you also fear that you're going to hurt the child when you fall.

Not so hard to imagine right? Well the next part might be more of a stretch. Imagine that feeling all the time, with no warning or reason.  Certain events can make it worse but you live with the fear every waking and often sleeping moment. It can be done but it takes a lot of energy and focus.

Okay, now another exercise.

You lost your job.  You have a family to support.  It's your only source of income.  It was something you could have prevented if you had only done "X and Y" (sorry I'm taking Math and variables had to work their way into the metaphor). 

Okay, you got that in your mind but what if you have a happy secure life.  What if you feel like that and everything is going well?  You have no major problems but you feel constantly that something is wrong and that it's your fault?  When something big comes along you get worse but you always feel wrong.

These two feelings all the time are what it's like to have Anxiety and Depressive disorders.

The problem is worse when you have both.  A person might question how you can function at all.  You just do.  At least most days you can.  You push through when you must and let it out when you can.  You run. You write.  You have artistic endeavors but the normal state can be coped with because you have to.  You also have to be on guard for triggers that push you too far.  

I have a neighbor that means well, he's older,divorced and often lonely.  His lawn and yard are perfect and he can't understand why mine is not.  The problem comes when he wants to help. Not physically. With advice.  I will gather yard tools and head out to finish a project or start one.  I've purchased the supplies I need and I will get down to business.  No sooner does Fred see me working that he is out to the fence-line asking what I'm doing. My personality does not allow me to be rude and ignore him.  So I  try to explain.  Fred, meaning well, thinks I am doing it wrong or that it's not a good idea and should try something else.   I know I've got a limited window of time and a limited supply of resources to finish and each minute he explains why I should do it some other way steals my time.  Each suggestion requires resources that I don't have because I have already planned it out and purchased what I need.

I can't set foot in my backyard anymore. Haven't spent more than an hour there in 2 years.  I can work on the front but when I try to go in the back, I end up on the floor in the fetal position.

My Father in law is a good man.  He wanted to be an architect but after finishing his Bachelor's degree in drafting he was not having success getting into an architectural program.   He did some research and got a graduate degree in recreation. He worked hard and made something of himself.  He's also often tactless when speaking with people.  He loves to give advice.  He doesn't like to listen.  He often is critical even when offering a compliment.  "You did a good job, I never thought you could" type of guy.  

I don't go where I know he's going to be unless I can't avoid it.  Every deep verbal cut from someone that I respect bleeds my self confidence until I no longer have any.  There are family things that I can't  miss.  So I go.  I leave early.  I orchestrate plans to keep away from him because there's little I can handle when everyday life already beats down on someone who lives with depression.

I've made it a long way the past few years but there are still situations I can't  handle.

Last week my son was baptized.   I had to be there.  I needed to be there for JJ. But I had to skip the luncheon afterwards. Couldn't risk losing control.  I'd had nightmares for weeks of the horrible things I might say to someone if I was backed into an emotional corner.
 

Tomorrow is my nephew's baptism.  I took care of that amazing kid during the day for years and just like my own son's baptism I'm not missing it.  But I will be barely holding it all together.  I've been losing sleep. So if I don't seem sociable please don't hold it against me. I'm white-knuckling it the whole time.