Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Hear the bugler sound.
Feet standing firm on the ground.
The sound of the their hearts ringing loud.
Stout hearts are strong 'cause their proud.
They never claimed to be brave
They rarely see the ones that they save.
The red rose it covers the ground
One heartbeat barely a sound.
Hear the bugler sound.
White lilies cover the ground.
The sound of gunfire rings loud.
The heads of the people are bowed.
Father take this one in your breast.
This one has passed the test.
Stoutly this one held their ground
While cannon fire raged all around.
Monday, November 10, 2014
There's a fire.
It burns bright both day and night.
There's a wind.
It stirs the fire and makes it glow.
There's the cold.
That makes you yearn to reach the fire.
There's your feet.
Bruised, bloody and swollen from trying to make it.
There's the mind.
Telling you that you can never be warm.
There's the voices.
They call you to join them at the fire.
There's your hearbeat.
The cadence that keeps you moving to the music of the voices, to escape the cold and to reach the fire. To warm your soul.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
I have learned that I'm still good at being social and I can even maintain a social extroverted side for long periods of time but it severely drains my battery. I have to recharge. I began to feel this morning as if I had gone backwards because it's been so hard lately to go to church. I got so good after first starting my medication at going at least for Sacrament that not being there now is making me feel like I've made no progress.
Then I look at where I've been for the last two years.
Surely this is where I started if I look at just today. 2 years ago being around people began to stress me more and more. Church was always so full and then you file into a class room to sit even closer with others without the benefit of your wife and kids as a buffer it gets worse. It's hard to concentrate long enough to feel the spirit when your mind tells you that you should be running and that you're having a heart attack at the same time.
After going through that more and more for many months I sought help and treatment and things got better. By this time last year I was doing reasonably better. Though I had moments (like when Tina lost her job) that it was hard to be around people I still could usually make it to at least part of church and talk to people about it.
I was conditioning my social batteries to accept a bigger and bigger charge so to speak. Then this Summer came and it started to get a little harder to sit in church again. I was able to do things like practice piano in a room during gospel doctrine and that usually gave me a little recharge to make it through the rest but I could tell it was getting worse. In the past 2 months it has gotten almost as hard for me as it was 2 years ago up until right before I sought treatment. Have I really undone everything?
Sitting here I realize that I haven't gone backwards. Certainly I'm doing more now than ever.
This past Summer I started working on campus. That was draining but as a custodian I didn't HAVE to socialize a lot. I could work through it. But in August school started and I was also singing with the dedicatory choir for the Ogden Temple. Suddenly I'm socializing 8 or 9 hours a day 6 days a week with only a Saturday to recharge. My better conditioned social battery has been running on maximum and draining all the way each week. My battery still charges rather slowly so I don't always have a full charge to make it.
It was hardest right after the dedication. I was recognized. Lots of people would come to me and say how great the choir was. Not realizing how hard that is for me to handle. It's even more difficult for me because I have a weird philosophy about singing in church. It should be acknowledged but more in the way you do a prayer. It's not a performance. it's a participation in the ceremony that is a church meeting. The choir in the dedication more so. You can disagree with me if you want that's ok. It's just how I feel. I would rather someone come up and say "Good Talk" or "Good Testimony" than acknowledge my singing or my prayer. I'm not saying others are wrong but simply trying to get it out how difficult it is for me to field praise in those situations. It is like your phone working over time to find a signal when there is none or very little to be had. The battery drains faster and faster and it begins to overheat at times. Not to mention that socializing in general is much like running your phone or tablet with the screen on nearly all the time. My screen is my face and body and voice as I attempt to be the extrovert I feel is required when I'm around people.
I realize that I haven't gone backward. I'm still getting better and I'm learning more and more ways to not only better condition my social battery but also to turn off programs when they're not needed so that I can conserve energy, turn off the screen at times. Put it on airplane mode at times.
I get better everyday. Don't give up on me but if you reach out to me and I back away, it's not about you. I'm just trying to save my battery for a long period of time without recharge.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
“President Hinckley Shares Ten Beliefs with Chamber,” Church News, Jan. 31, 1998, 4
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
Back To School. Out of the recesses. Trying to step into the light from where I've been hiding in the shadows. An open letter to new faces.
Open Letter to anyone who crosses my path as I'm returning to school:
I was afraid that having to meet new people would make me want to run screaming for the hills. I had a few panic attacks but I was able to keep it all to myself and talk myself out of it all. I told a few of you or at least gave clues at times that it was hard for me but I kept the worst parts to myself. It was made a lot easier by the people I've met. No one made me feel old at least not on purpose, or rather the only one who made me feel old was me by constantly worrying about it.
Super-Talented people that I've sort of glommed onto like a parasite. I know I try too hard to fit in sometimes, just please be patient with me. If I make you look at something I wrote or sang in, it's because I'm insecure and want to be accepted, and it also means that I think that you are so talented that I have to try to prove myself worthy to be your friend. I know it's weird. I will calm down eventually.
I'm so glad I joined Opera Scenes, I've said as much before, but it is going to be a wonderful experience not just preparing for and staging the scenes but getting to work on Madame Butterfly for Spring as well. I don't care if I'm in the Chorus, it's going to be fun to tag along and enjoy the ride. I guarantee I will try too hard here as well. I'm totally intimidated by all of you. I will try to sound smarter than I am. It's still just me trying to make myself feel good enough.
It takes a lot of mental energy for me to socialize. I'm tired a lot, and I get tired fast from it. If I retreat it's ok to draw me out. I can borrow energy from others if they want to engage me in the conversation. It's also ok to leave me alone. If you need help with something that you think I can do, ask me because I always find reserves to help. Sometimes it even saves me from myself. When I can't take care of me, I find the energy to take care of others and it gives me the energy to start taking care of myself.
One last thing. Don't let me skip a meal on the day of a choir concert or performance. There are still people who remember me passing out back stage at the Egyptian theater when the Browning Center was being remodeled. I don't want to be the guy who fainted again.
Thanks for reading this if you did. I know I talked a lot about me, it just because I always worry about what people think of me. But I really have come a long way. The journey's here in my blog if you want to know.
Timothy Coral Mair
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
I don't know if there's more I can say.
I don't think I know the words to make you stay.
I only worry that you'll go far away.
I'll look for you tomorrow but you're lost in today.
The water once rippled but has now gone still.
All is lonely now with no sound to fill.
I reach out to touch and see if it's real,
Only cold and darkness do my warm fingers feel.
If I could paint the word that keeps you today.
I know it will never make the void go away.
But I will try to fill it with the words that I say.
I hope that's enough to make you fight to stay.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
When you're depressed, when your anxious and particularly when you have a Social Anxiety issue you world begins to shrink. You stop doing things with other people and your support system slowly erodes so that when you need them you feel that you have burnt the bridges between you and your friends and they can't be rebuilt.
I can't tell you how debilitating that can be when you, when all of us need each other so much.
I saw an article today that made me realize why it's so important to keep the friends close and rebuild those bridges every-time even if you think you have to start over.
I must admit that part of why this stood out to me so much was due to reading my sister in-laws blog this evening and it made me cry. She is going through a rough patch but so much of what she said reminded me of times that I struggle. I needed to read it. She's a truly sweet and special person.
I hope I can figure out how to post this link. It's about how we make friends.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I think I'm okay.
I've freaked out a little recently. I admit. I'm giving myself permission to. I was pretty sick. My teenager is still, well, a teenager. But I'm okay. I came through the other side. And I learned some things.
I can do it. I got back into college. I found a way to pay for it. A way I earned with my own skill. I did the leg work to make it happen too. For someone who has spent a lot of time wondering if I would always fail at everything. That makes a difference.
Can't forget that when things got rough I still panicked though. but maybe that's a good thing too. I had a bit of a wake up call about the anxiousness before I return to school. It means I should take the next few months and stack the deck. not just by reviewing music theory, or taking piano, which I will do but I need to work harder on planning for my stress levels as well. Gonna use up my insurance quota for seeing a counselor before I go back. I really think I can use some coaching on how to prepare and once back I will utilize the services on campus for the same.
I still feel old. I met someone from Choir at WSU while doing the play a few months back. Considering how young that person was, I think I might feel like a fogey. So I have to prepare for that as well. But it also makes me feel kind of cool, at least for now. I'm going back. I've been raising kids for years, it would be easy to say there's no point in going back but I'm doing it. I also feel more confident about my abilities in many ways than I did before. I may get anxious but I've spent years singing with an amazing choir and learning lots of music quickly. I've been involved in recording. I have directed a little. I know that I can do it.
Is it okay if I give in to a little of the mid-life crisis before I go back? Get my hair colored to cover up the gray that's sneaking in, not so much that other's notice but maybe I'll use that groupon I found to get my hair colored just to pretend a little.
I feel a little childish. It still doesn't completely seem real, I keep logging in to the Student portal to make sure I'm really registered. Yeah, I know it's silly. But I'm giving myself permission on that front too.
Yeah I freaked out a bit lately, but I think I came out a little tougher on the other side. a little smarter emotionally at least. 3 steps forward, 2 back. Still improvement. It's okay to lose it a little if you make sure that your not standing still and the net is a gain. I'll take it.
I'm standing a little farther forward than I was last year. I'm gonna be okay.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Unseen by you, unseen by me.
I now travel the pure white plains.
The red horizon where the sunshine reigns.
I sail away from the home I love.
The plains above, the sea below.
I pass you by and you never know.
Unseen by you, unseen by me.
Floating o'er the pure white plains.
The wind, it roars, I travel home again.
Closer, closer to the home I know.
The lights below, the plains above.
Bring me home to my true love.
Where birds swim softly 'neath of me.
Will I take you with me on those plains?
You, the home, the love, that within me reigns.