Christmas Lost

I used to listen to Christmas music all year.  It annoys people but is an especially good thing for a musician to be able to do.  Any of you who hate hearing the music "early" should understand that if the people you depend on to bring that spirit,in that little window of time you've set aside to enjoy it, don't practice and prepare for months, often beginning to put ideas together throughout the year, then you won't have it. 
I have never in the past dreaded either the sacred or the secular aspects of the holiday.  They have their little niches and have always brought enjoyment.

For the first year in my entire life, I don't want Christmas to come.  Despite mental illness I have always still enjoyed Christmas.  I'm only partially sure of why.  Christmas pressure has always been there but the joy I get from it always managed to make the pressure worth it.  This year the same pressures are there but the joy disappeared. It's not even Halloween and I am dreading the holiday season.

There are issues in my family that make me feel guilty for even thinking of trying to celebrate.
Singing.... If I sing how I want then I let one group down but if I help the other group then I will feel like the music is drudgery.  No matter the choice, I feel guilty already.

I feel pulled.  Spread out so thin that the winter winds will simply blow me away. 
Christmas saved me in years past but this year it might finish me off.

I remember memorizing the scriptures that the angel spoke to the shepherds.  It was a proud moment to deliver them boldly in our family pageants.  Wrapped in a white sheet.

I remember the first year I sang with the Salt Lake Vocal Artists and how good it felt to sing such beautiful music with strong singers that only needed me to worry about doing my part.  I didn't have to worry about anyone else's. Just mine and somehow the combination of everyone doing that made such beauty and warmth.  No pressure.  And each if us understood the work we did and didn't take each other for granted. 

Now those days are gone away.  Each entreaty to sing says, "Come fill our hours with music."  "Since it's easy for you it will be easy for you to put it all together."  Neither is true.

I haven't been able to pull everyone else together and help them make music for quite some time.   I don't have it in me to form groups and motivate people to do it. I was never great at that.  But now, it drags, it hurts.  Not just emotionally but physically.   It makes me sick to try to do, it makes me hurt, it causes migraines, it tears me into pieces and those float away on the winter wind as well.

This has sucked all of my energy to plan the holidays for my family.  By now I usually have several gifts for each of my kids and especially my wife.  Things that I knew would make them feel good to get.  I have one thing.  And I can't picture the smile on the receiver's face like usual.

Traditions already feel like a millstone chained to my neck.

On a year like this I'd be gearing up for a new Star Wars movie.  To see it with my family in December. To laugh and talk about what we liked about it as we come out of the theater.  It doesn't hold magic for me.  I'm supposed to be things.  I don't know how I can be those things.  People say if you just try to not be broken you won't be.  It doesn't help and only makes me feel like garbage.

So keep Christmas from coming.  Let it go away this year

Love, Trust, Darkness

Love is trust. It's trusting those you love to try not to hurt you and that when they do (people aren't perfect) that working through it is worth it. These people we trust have the ability to cut us the deepest.
In the strangest place I found this explained perfectly. In Season 2 of the Netflix series "Daredevil" they introduced The Punisher, who was a vigilante who killed the guilty in his war on crime. He'd lost his family due to gang violence and though most of his soul was corrupted by this he gave advice to a character who was worried about being hurt in a relationship. (Language warning)

"People that get inside you and and and tear you apart, and make you feel like you're never gonna recover. Shit. I'd I I would chop my arm off right here, in this restaurant, just to feel that one more time for my wife. My old lady, she didn't just break my heart. She She'd rip it out, she'd tear it apart, she'd step on that shit, feed it to a dog. I mean, she was ruthless. She brought the pain. But she'll never hurt me again. You see, I'll never feel that. You sit here and you're all confused about this thing, but you have it. You have everything. So, hold on to it. Use two hands and never let go."

Pain is part of the love. It's unintentional to be sure for the most part (or should be) but it comes from putting complete trust in an imperfect being.
I'm not advocating staying with someone abusive either. Only you can determine if your situation is just natural consequence of love and trust or if it is deliberate and abusive.

Segueing rather clumsily to depression or anxiety (or other mental ilness). Trusting comes with a deeper price. Loving comes with a heavier toll. Letting people in may mean less loneliness but it also invites deeper wounds to an already septic mind.

“The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending that you’re not.” —Anonymous, Twitter

“The broken will always be able to love harder than most because once you’ve been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.” —Anonymous, Twitter

Putting yourself out there to more people means giving the keys to your pain to more people. It's overwhelming. It's exhausting. It hurts deep when they hurt you. Some figure out how to interact and keep their barriers intact. Making only superficial connections and holding their few true friends/family/spouses/etc. close.

I don't do that very well. I invest in people too quickly because I think that's the mask that people want to see. Especially among groups that I can tell myself logically that I'm safe. Volunteer groups, church, etc. I make the effort to be that person, to be useful, I usually try too hard to fit in (often in an annoying way). Quickly, I become overwhelmed. My scant energy reserves are depleted. I begin to see the look in people's eyes that I'm annoying them by trying too hard or I let them down in some way. Then I realize that I'm giving away energy and it's coming from the reserves that are intended for my close trusted circle. You see I've always had a hard time with the saying, "The more love you give, the more you have." I don't have an endless supply.

So then it comes, the question, "Why aren't you participating in (insert activity or responsibility here)." When I try to say, that it's too much for me then comes the advice. You'll have plenty of energy for it if you try, or if you pray more or if you exercise more. Usually the advice comes without even asking if I already do these things. Then guilt is added, "You're needed here. We miss your spirit, or your voice, or your thoughts."

Without me even giving the key the lock has been picked and my pain is being poked at. It's a grizzly bear and now people are jabbing it with sticks trying to get it to leave me alone, thinking they are helping and I'm caught between the bear and the people. I'm always the first casualty as I'm consumed and then often the bear is not satisfied and goes for the others.

The beast that is mental illness isn't a choice. It doesn't have a cure. It's a chronic disease. Slowly rotting parts of your mind away as you struggle to hold it at bay. Faith can help cope and even strengthen parts of your mind but you can no more expect your God to "cure" it than my father could expect God to spontaneously regrow his amputated legs.

So, back to trust. If you're part of that small group for someone, know that makes you special. They know you'll let them down, they'll think they're always letting you down. They choose to make you worth it. For whatever reason, your heart is worth the pain. Don't feel bad if you're not in someone who is struggling 's circle either. They're trying to keep their circle small and close. You may even eventually find a spot there. A person with a broken mind still wants to not be lonely but they know they can only hold a few hearts close without risking losing it all. Be available but don't force your way in.

People are imperfect. Even if they're not broken.

Shattered

Shattered

Picking up the pieces once again
From the best laid plans of this old man
I used to think I could do anything.

Shattered shards they're scattered cross the floor
Leave the room behind and lock the door
Out of sight and mind I can't feel the sting.

I was always born to be broken
Never was made to be whole
Maybe I'm just meant to be frozen
Fractured shadows deep in my soul
Breaking, Shattered,
Bleeding, scattered....
Shattered, woah... I'm shattered

Pulling out a paper one more time
Messages of hope I'm disinclined
I never know just quite what to say.

Slanted spooks of fantasies I've lost
Chasing dreams I never knew the cost
Passing purposes I just can't pay.

I was always born to be broken
Never was made to be whole
Maybe I'm just meant to be frozen
Fractured shadows deep in my soul
Breaking, Shattered,
Bleeding, scattered....
Shattered, woah... I'm shattered

Matching up the pieces once again
From the puzzled plans of this old man
Forever I'm afraid I'll feel the sting.

Shattered shards still scattered cross the floor
By this time you'd think I knew the score
Holding out for what tomorrow brings.

I was always born to be broken
Never was made to be whole
Maybe I'm just meant to be frozen
Fractured shadows deep in my soul
Breaking, Shattered,
Bleeding, scattered....
Shattered, woah... I'm shattered

I was always born to be broken
Never was made to be whole
Shattered, woah... I'm shattered

7-27-2019

Things to be thankful for.

It's time to be thankful.  If you aren't you must not be doing things right.  I know why you aren't happy, you're still wasting your time with that bad job you have.  You also spend too much time on that hobby of yours.  You can't possibly be happy if you haven't figured out how to be with each side of your family on the day of giving thanks.  Worse, if you want a quiet Thanksgiving at home with your immediate family then you really must be ungrateful.  I thought we taught you better than this.  And look at your children we certainly wouldn't let our children do what yours are obviously being encouraged to do.  You made pies?  But you didn't make a blueberry one.  Come on taste this pumpkin pie,  I know you SAY you don't like it but you haven't tried it the way I make it.  Wait, you're not spending the night?  Shouldn't it just be assumed that you'd spend the night.  Come now, you'll feel a lot better driving home in the morning after sleeping on our beds/couch/floors/etc.  You say that you had a busy week last week?  Well I'm sure if you just planned a less busy schedule and grew your own vegetables ahead of time and switched detergents and used a different dig food you wouldn't feel so busy.  I know you don't have a dog but you should.  Every family should have one.  You would certainly be more happy if you had a dog.  It would give you some purpose in life.  Wow, you really don't have your degree yet?  Or that promotion?  You know I figured that by now you should be making well into six figures.  Your sibling does.  Just be more like them.  Hey maybe they could give you some pointers.  Can you believe how dry this Turkey is.  We probably should have had ham but then you always struggle cooking gam so the turkey is fine. We need to discuss how often you're going to visit in December.  We're really busy so you'll have to come visit several times but you need to plan it in advance so we're not overwhelmed.  Remember that person you used to date in highschool?  We didn't like them but they turned our to be so very successful.  Too bad you couldn't make it work.  Imagine what that would be like.  At least you're not as much trouble/annoyance/needy as your sibling so and so, keep this to yourself but we sure don't think much of what they're doing.  By the way, did you ever get that tree planted that we suggested?  That's an interesting way of making potatoes.   Wait! you mean the gravy spilled in your car while driving an hour or more to get here?  I guess a bullion based gravy will do.  You know why it spilled don't you?   I could have told you it would if you'd have run your transportation plans by me.  I could have helped you prevent it in 16 easy steps.  But you always have to do it the wrong way.  Oh, next year you'll be at your in-laws?  Or with just your family?  Well you KNOW don't you that we want you here too.  No pressure.  Just know that you can come because we want you to.

Scrutiny

No one can live up to the scrutiny the world requires.  Are people really worse now than decades ago?  Has there been no progress?
I think people are no worse.  I even think there's been progress.  But progress or no anyone, everyone, public eye or not, is under a microscope.  A 60 year old changing careers could have an unpaid parking ticket from their teens come back to steal their future. No matter what they made of themselves.  A person does wrongs all through their lives.  Other people are affected whether we're smart enough to realize it or not.  Whether forgiveness is asked or given or not eventually people move on.  But one day we could decide to take that thing we put behind us and pull it out.  Hold it against someone.  Get revenge.  Sometimes we are the perpetrators AND victims.  We dredge the past and decide we can't forgive ourselves. Whether ourselves or others when we pull it back out we call it justice.  It's not.  It's just vindictiveness.  And it's everywhere.   No single person out there will ever have every quality that "I" think is important ever including me.  If someone did happen to have them they surely wouldn't have "popped" into existence that way.  Their lives would been a travesty of mistakes, sins, misdeeds and wrongs when all laid out in one moment.  It seems there will never be tolerability in this world again.  The world is only tolerable within the walls of my own little world.  Going beyond them anymore is pointless.  If the world has not torn itself apart before the day I expire then let me not have to look at it.  Others can watch it burn.  I would rather sit in darkness because there I can at least have the light of my own thoughts.

Lies we tell ourselves

Uncle Rico bragged about his football prowess. 
Doesn't everybody brag?  Remember way back when the world hadn't beat them down and hope spewed forth from them like an open hydrant.
Take that into consideration when I say that those young days I see someone only tolerated.  Tolerated in choir because I could sing what needed to be sung.  Tolerated by friends who were at times amused at the lengths I would go to be liked.  A pet, a mascot.  Someone who could be talked into calling a bunch people to gang out when the others got bored and wanted a new scene. 
Of course, like all of us life only came to tear down what little confidence one has.
Uncle Rico may be stuck in the past but at least he was ON team.  He wasn't the mascot.
So I sit here now longing for the past when I didn't realize just how much I was merely tolerated.  I could pretend.

Breathe hope, in my disconsolation.

For me, verse about spiritual things should be steeped in the misdirection of metaphor.  Disguised to only allow the meaning to reveal itself by someone who needs or wants it greatly.  This is the philosophy behind my own poetry concerning sacred things.  This way it's holiness or sacred meaning is protected from those who might try to tear it down or destroy it.
I say this because today I wrote something very much unlike myself.  Though it may have metaphor in it, it is used as an enhancement, not a shield.  The message is plain and simple. This leaves me vulnerable as I intend to post it.  So as I do, understand that sharing it is a leap of faith for me.

Breathe hope in my disconsolation
My lord, O wash away my tears.
Bide with me through my tribulation.
When I'm succumbing to my fears.

My Savior tary with me longer,
Be with me til the winds are fair.
Be with me so that I need not hasten,
My Restore to heaven, to be with you there.

Inside my heart the tempest rages,
My vessel beaten by the sea.
Thy voice, the tossing sea, assuages,
Be still my soul, deliver me.

My Savior tary with me longer,
Be with me til the winds are fair.
Be with me so I need not hasten,
My Restore to heaven, to be with you there.