Friday, August 29, 2014

Back To School. Out of the recesses. Trying to step into the light from where I've been hiding in the shadows. An open letter to new faces.

First week down.

Open Letter to anyone who crosses my path as I'm returning to school:

I was afraid that having to meet new people would make me want to run screaming for the hills.  I had a few panic attacks but I was able to keep it all to myself and talk myself out of it all.  I told a few of you or at least gave clues at times that it was hard for me but I kept the worst parts to myself.  It was made a lot easier by the people I've met.  No one made me feel old at least not on purpose, or rather the only one who made me feel old was me by constantly worrying about it.

Super-Talented people that I've sort of glommed onto like a parasite.  I know I try too hard to fit in sometimes, just please be patient with me.  If I make you look at something I wrote or sang in, it's because I'm insecure and want to be accepted, and it also means that I think that you are so talented that I have to try to prove myself worthy to be your friend.  I know it's weird.  I will calm down eventually.

I'm so glad I joined Opera Scenes, I've said as much before, but it is going to be a wonderful experience not just preparing for and staging the scenes but getting to work on Madame Butterfly for Spring as well.  I don't care if I'm in the Chorus, it's going to be fun to tag along and enjoy the ride.  I guarantee I will try too hard here as well.  I'm totally intimidated by all of you.  I will try to sound smarter than I am. It's still just me trying to make myself feel good enough.

It takes a lot of mental energy for me to socialize.  I'm tired a lot, and I get tired fast from it.  If I retreat it's ok to draw me out.  I can borrow energy from others if they want to engage me in the conversation.  It's also ok to leave me alone.  If you need help with something  that you think I can do, ask me because I always find reserves to help.  Sometimes it even saves me from myself.  When I can't take care of me,  I find the energy to take care of others and it gives me the energy to start taking care of myself.

One last thing.  Don't let me skip a meal on the day of a choir concert or performance.  There are still people who remember me passing out back stage at the Egyptian theater when the Browning Center was being remodeled.  I don't want to be the guy who fainted again.

Thanks for reading this if you did.  I know I talked a lot about me, it just because I always worry about what people think of me.  But I really have come a long way.  The journey's here in my blog if you want to know.

Thanks again,
Timothy Coral Mair

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