Take a minute and think about the choices you make each day.
Paper or plastic.
Macaroni and cheese or a salad.
Grape jelly or Strawberry Jam.
Most of these choices aren't earth shattering. Most don't determine your mood or perception. But most have a preference and choosing poorly can add up. Being disappointed with the choices can build if you add one on the other and at the end of the day you may feel a little extra tired hopefully not overwhelmed or depressed but it can wear on you. Usually we don't make ALL bad choices so it really balances out.
What if every time you made a choice it felt like the lesser of two evils swerve and hit a cat, or stay true and his a squirrel. And as your day progressed your undesirable choices AND your good choices would likely make you much more than grumpy.
Sometimes with anxiety the importance of choices is perceived to be more weighty than it truly is in reality. Grape Jelly or Strawberry feels like Sophie's choice. It makes you want to make no choices and wait for the "bad things" to happen on their own. Then at least you can't blame yourself. This can be debilitating. This can make you stay in bed all day. This can make you hide in your room when the door bell rings.
I had some choices today. At first they were of the normal sort. And I don't really think they were wrong choices so I was doing ok. Then, 11:30 am 7th grade registration. knowing that the 10th grader had to be across town for registration at 12:30 pm. I arrived late, getting a 12 year-old to move might be akin to moving mountains.
When I saw the line I realized that having transferred him from Quest to Sandridge for 7th grade I had to come in special last week and filled out most of the forms. I knew I would be stressed if I didn't take care of both. I knew I was going to be stressed if one messed up the other.
I took a breathe and thought. "I can deal with Junior high later."
I had most of it done and due to construction they are waiting on pictures for the ID badges until the 21st. I left and took the 10th grader and it was an even worse line but I had more to do for him. They gave us the option of doing pictures and lockers first and then returning to the line and if it was still long that we could do the registration tomorrow. We did. We took our time and didn't hurry. I embarrassed my son a few times like any good father should. We went back and the line wasn't very long at all. We finished the one boy and even though it was stressful and I had to be around a lot of people for quite sometimes I found some ways to turn two not so good choices into some non earth shattering choices.
Sometimes it's ok to wait.
Some of what's been going on has needed explaining and some people haven't had access to what I've been saying by way of explanation. I had severed my link to them in one way or another.
I made it a point today or rather I made the choice to try to make some in roads. I talked to my mom. I had been worried, She came over on one of my worst days, when I was curled up in the fetal position in my room when ever someone knocked. She was persistent and eventually came in. I couldn't speak to her. I just laid there staring at her I think I grunted out a one word answer to a few of her questions. Afterward I kicked myself for treating her that way but I couldn't have explained it to her and now she had become someone I acquainted with anxiety and I was upset. My brother had been part of a similar situation and though I still text-ed with him, talking to him on the phone was hard. Since at the time I wasn't leaving the house unless someone was with me and even then only in necessity I didn't have a chance to talk to them.
Today I talked to my mom. I just wanted her to know I wasn't mad at her or anything that I had just been under a lot of stress. And she seemed to understand.
I made a few attempts to reconnect with a few Facebook friends, that seemed innocuous enough.
I'm trying to make the choice not to be alone. I know the benefits are incalculable but it's still trying to find ways to make the decisions that make me anxious seem like what they are, just everyday decisions.
Why yes I would like grape jelly on my peanut butter sandwich!